Where I Found My Motivation

My children have become my reason for doing almost anything and everything. For bettering myself, for improving our home, for improving and building on relationships, for ending toxic relationships, and for bettering and building on my marriage.

After I had my first daughter, I soon realized that the career I had chosen was not where I wanted to spend the rest of my working years. There was one particular incident at work that raised serious questions on how I envisioned my life and my family in the future. Did I really want to bring home the horrible things we run into daily? Did I want to bring these things home to my family? Obviously not! I struggled with burnout and the thankless job that it is. Even though I struggled with this, I continued to do my job and tried to stay positive and grateful that I was still able to work.

Then one simple everyday task, tying my daughters shoe, would forever change the course of my life and my family’s life. I bent over to tie her shoe and immediately fell to the floor in excruciating pain. My back completely gave out on me, and I laid there for about ten minutes contemplating my next move. I slowly and carefully turned over onto my stomach to get to my phone across the room. I called my husband, and he was able to contact our neighbor. She had a key to our house and was able to help me off the floor and onto the couch. To be clear, it wasn’t just the bending over that caused the injury. It turns out wearing a 25-30 lb belt for many years and the activities associated with police work finally take its toll on a person’s back. The body can only take so much. Who would’ve thunk, right?

This was the day that set in motion the next four and half years of emotional and mental turmoil. Fighting with the City and The Police Department and the waiting took an emotional toll on my mental well being. I felt the rug had been pulled out from under me. It was an abrupt and obviously unplanned incident. How do you plan for an injury that keeps you from working? How do you plan for the rollercoaster of emotions that is accompanied by the injury?

Ultimately it led to a depression that I was trying to work out on my own.

There was a lot of internal dialogue when I should have been talking to my husband and a professional. I was too proud and thought I could handle it on my own. I dug myself deeper and deeper into a black hole. Two miscarriages definitely did not help my situation and only made that black hole seem deeper. I did eventually seek help but did not stick with it. My marriage was falling apart and I was trying to figure out how I was going to keep my head above water. Like I mentioned in a previous post, during this time we went through IVF. Was it the smartest choice at the time? Maybe not. Looking back I would do it again in a heartbeat.

After my second daughter was born, I began to really reevaluate my circumstances. I felt like I had just been going through the motions for so long and running on autopilot. My husband and I had very long talks, some good and some that made me want to throw in the towel. I needed to claw my way out of the hole and be better for myself and my family. It was not fair for my children and I knew I needed to be there for them.

It was up to me to redirect my self-pity, anger, and hopelessness. I spoke to my mother and prayed a lot and decided to turn this into a positive experience. My mother told me that God does work in ways that we may not understand at the time. This was my opportunity to be there for my children and my husband. I accepted the reality of having to move on from my career and acknowledged the fact that we were going to be OK financially.

I needed to focus on my children, my family, and make them my reason and my inspiration for looking to the future and reinventing myself.